Early Morning Reflection

It’s 3:37am, Thursday morning. Yes, early for a weekday. Today I woke up unusually early - usually, my eyes open before 6am. I toss and turn, trying to return to sleep, but it never works. By the time my consciousness is aroused, my mind is cluttered with thoughts.

My mornings usually start with unwelcoming thoughts about third period class. The images of particular students raid my mind, and with these unpleasant reminders of the coming day, I open my eyes to the dark. I close my eyes, but I start thinking about what I want to say to these few kids – maybe 5 of them – to set them straight. What can I say to set them straight? These few are immature, selfish little smart alecks, who are disrespectful little punks. They feel okay interrupting me and saying stupid or rude remarks to other kids. It’s been going on since the first day of school. Since the first day of school, I’ve threatened to boot out the bad kids, and I’ve tried, but they keep coming back. They’re ignorant and proud of it, and all they are worth is the nothing that they produce in my class – empty pages and unused pens. Granted, I’m not talking about all the kids, just a few. But too many to pinpoint just two, too many to boot out at once.

Most of the kids are pretty decent, I’d say. Beyond third period, I have a total of [42+34+34+26+19 = 155] 155 students. Lots. And most of them are decent. Three of these classes are honors, and the kids who are in there aren’t the brightest or most skilled lot, but they’re motivated, and they value a positive learning environment. Motivation sometimes is the only quality that keeps a student afloat in an honors class. Sometimes it’s enough to be a committed hard worker – not a special kind of intelligence or IQ. That works wonders for me, the teacher. I’m working with kids who want to learn, and we can develop meaningful relationships and help one another become better learners.

In the regular English classes, the atmosphere is totally different. Just a few bad apples can ruin the lot, and these bad apples come in with the intent to tear everyone else down. Maybe they’ve always failed and have given up; nonetheless, they are determined to bring everyone else down, so that all is left is an exasperated teacher (an authority figure to laugh at) and a circus. These are the kids who I need to boot out of class. Like I said, most of the kids are decent. They want to learn; they want to do well in school. Then there are some who are easily led astray. They can’t read, can’t write, & they let the bad apples distract them with their meaningless antics. I have to reel these kids in too, make them know that they have to get serious about school.

I know, it’s all on me. I have to exercise my authority to “control” the class. The thing is, I’m not much good at controlling a class. I have never thought about teaching in terms of controlling the behavior of kids. I just want to teach. I want a general understanding among everybody that we are here to learn and help one another. But in some classes, that just doesn’t cut it. The kids expect a police-type authority, which I’m turning into in third period. I’m just no good at dealing with defiance. I trip up when I’m supposed to step up and follow through with discipline. I try to, here and there. I talk to the kids, call parents, talk to deans, etc. But something isn’t working. Something definitely isn’t working.

Here’s my predicament with teaching: Even though 95% of my students are easy to work with, I dwell on the 5% of meanies who walk through my classroom each day. I become fixated on few who become the banes of my entire school year. Don’t ask me why I hang onto them. All I know that it makes me a lousy teacher.

I constantly think about this. What am I doing wrong? How do I change my own behavior so that I don’t allow for these immature 15 year olds to hijack my class?

Hence, waking up at 4am.

Well, that’s my life so far. Still adjusting to teaching in an urban school. I don’t how much longer I can survive this...