Long Time No Write

Atticus can now...

1. kind of blow kisses
2. say "da da", though we haven't determined if he calling for Robby or not. I think he is.
3. stand for about 5 seconds without holding anything
4. say "agua."
5. tilt his head and feign sleep when we say, "baby sleeping."
6. point at things.
7. climb our bean bag.
8. do the hand motions for the song "The Wheels on the Bus."

He's turning one on Tuesday, February 22nd! We are so excited that he is having his first birthday. He is eating really chunky food, & he is a big fan of fruit.

On the dissertation side of life, I just completed an outline for Chapter 2, the lit review. I should have Chapter 2 written already, but teaching has gotten in the way of it all.

On the work side of things, I have never been closer to quitting. I keep going back and forth. Robby is super-supportive & only wants me to be happy & less stressed. Frankly, I am so stressed that I wake up at 3am, like this morning, & different scenarios of my quitting race through my head. The stress is really getting to me. But I go to school, & I am reminded by how much I love my students. & I forget how tired I am when I get home, or how little I see Atticus every day, or how little work I am completing for my dissertation. I had a chance to face my principal yesterday and give him my notice, but I balked. He pressured me to stay with reminders that I would be breaking my contract, that I would not be able to find another job after having left this one mid-year, and that I would be disappointing the kids. I agreed to stay, but now I'm not sure I made the right decision.

Yesterday, a kid in fourth period asked me, "Ms. Loh, do you love me?" & I replied, "Yes, I love you, Lalo." I love all my students, but is it worth all this mental anguish of balancing grad school, teaching, and family?

Right now, family is the lowest of my priorities right now, and I hate myself for that. I guess that sums it up: I am self-hating for having to juggle all these priorities.